Mystery Squad Revealed

By Robert Tuomi

(WINDSOR, ON) – Not much is known about them, but they have at least been identified as the thorn in the side of Edgar Francis, the current mayor of Windsor. Apparently, and this is only conjecture as this point, although it is rather more than obvious to a Gord Henderson, a columnist at the Windsor Star, they are a whole squad. They are known as the Hate Eddie Forever squad (HEFS) and they go about offering contradictions to whatever it is the mayor puts in his spin cycle.

Henderson “outted” the squad in his column April 21. 2012 and as his wont failed to provide any of the names of its members. This got local city hall watchers pointing fingers and accusing each other of secretly being members of this elite club which each one denied, and why wouldn’t they?

Of course, Henderson, by omitting the names of those in the squad, is following in the great tradition of Windsor’s inward and selfish council. It is largely made up of ten sycophants and omits lots of things. It built a stage down by the riverfront and omitted the seats. People in Windsor will just have to stand for that little error.

It is building an expensive swimming pool and sub-competitive aquatics centre and omitted the business plan and market study. It fired the city’s independent auditor general and omitted telling anyone the reason, although rumours have circulated that the auditor was rude because he wanted to audit things.

Guests at cocktail parties throughout the rose city are now trying to figure out who the leader of the squad is and how many members it has and who they are.

Possibly, so as not to be locked up or anything, the squad operates much like the Beijing China English Club. You will not find it on Facebook, if it still is in operation, because the government there, a communist one, does not like having clubs forming. So the members of the club, who all happened to be student lawyers, almost an anomaly in China, operated like a flash mob without the flash.

Its members would meet at a certain corner in the capital city at a certain time and seek out English speakers. They were uncanny at being able to spot such speakers, possibly a sixth sense.

They told those with knowledge of the language that they just wanted to talk a bit to practice their use of the foreign tongue.

Possibly, just like the Beijing English Club the Hate Eddie Forever squad does not even have a leader and might even meet secretly in coffeehouses that offer porridge for breakfast, or not. It could be they meet on street corners somewhere at certain hours or certain times on certain days and then, possibly under the blanket of dark nights, out of the glare of LED experimental street lamps, secretly study the latest blunders and comments of the mayor.

No doubt the mayor’s claim that he had five economic development files all 80% complete must have been a wondrous night for the squad members, if they could only stop laughing and get down to business.

Some of the city hall watchers, most who say they never accuse the mayor of anything other than his obvious misdeeds, wondered if the squad members have special uniforms. One suggested that maybe they all wear golf shirts with their breast pockets emblazoned with the letters EHFS and have a message on the back like ticket takers at a carnival have the words “Staff Member” silk- screened on the back of their t-shirts except that the back of the HEFS shirts reads “squad member.”

There is even a rumour, so far unsubstantiated, that some of them might still wear an old shirt that suffered a misprint down at the golf shirt factory and it wasn’t caught so that their shirts display the wrong message, being “squid member.”

Boy that was an embarrassment. Oh no, no one is supposed to know anything about that. You can forget that or I will come over to your place with my special Men in Black memory eraser. Did I say that, I can’t remember. Damn, I must have pointed that thing the wrong way again.

Anyway, how can I even say that, I am not privy to any of this information.

That is my story, and like councilor Al Maghneih is sticking to his, I’m sticking to mine, although this Maghneih has some very smelly stuff sticking to him.

It might take more than some Tide to clean up that mess. Possibly.

For more of the Rest of the News listen to CJAM 99.1 Monday evenings at 8:30.

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