Chief Dilkens: Garbage Officer
By Robert Tuomi
(WINDSOR, ON) – It is true, say some, that Windsor city councilor Drew Dilkens is like that battery company’s bunny that just keeps on running. This of course, is not meant to offend battery company bunnies. The latest escapade for Dilkens was a nefarious plan to rid the city of any chance of reducing the crisis situation of no beds at the city’s two hospitals.
He came up with a plan to quash the thought that a new long term care hospital could be built out at St. Clair College in the city’s south end. Cleverly, by half, he nicely threw a spanner in the works by convincing his fellow inept council members that there would be horrors happening at the college if the city actually sold a bit of scruffy woods to the educational institution.
Citing all manner of things that could happen, he managed to get his fellow sycophants on council to agree that no property owned by the city should be sold to any college during their reign of error.
Luckily for the city’s two hospitals, which are suffering from too many long-term patients and little room for anyone else, a week later, at its meeting on February 6, council agreed to snub Dilkens and to do the right thing for the community, a rarity for this gang, and agree to the sale and accept that the college’s president will do what is right and not disrupt the bush. This is aside from possibly putting trails through it that non-battery company bunnies, as in free-range rabbits, could roam.
Then, like acne on a teenager, Dilkens was back in the news February 8. This time he was talking tough from his perch as head of some committee that looks after recycling. His tough talk included imposing a three bag limit on the amount of garbage Windsor residents can put out on the curb on collection days. Of course there will be no limit on how many bags these same citizens can throw into empty lots and other open fields, although, as you will read, Dilkens will have a solution for that.
This three bags sir is, at least, one of the things Dilkens says he and his committee are looking at to increase the amount of materials the community recycles. Other options will also be reviewed.
But, it is clear that in the end, Dilkens wants to send a clear message of what he will do when he becomes police chief, an event that will happen pretty soon once the national search reveals no candidates have local experience. When officially awarded the top cop’s hat, Dilkens will ensure that one of the force’s main priorities will be to have its sworn-to-preserve-the peace constables scoot around town in their company cars checking garbage pails to make sure only three bags are present.
Mind you, this could be good for police morale. Name one officer, if you can, on the force who does not want to spend time sifting through garbage tins making sure that residents live up to the standards set by Chief Dilkens.
No doubt the force will gather around the chief and demand that he be police department employee of the month with reserved parking right outside police headquarters which will be renamed the Dilkens’ Bunker. It will be a glorious day for Dilkens.
But there could be even more to this. Dilkens will keep his seat on council, and why shouldn’t he? Other councilors double dip and hold government jobs. Anyway, he will use his position to convince his fellow sycophants to create a new by-law, code name kangaroo court. This new by-law will give exceptional powers to the police department. They will be able to break into homes near garbage pails holding more than three bags, gather up the residents, and bring them to the Charles Clark Square and put them in stocks under a big sign that will say, “I erred, I am sorry to have offended Chief DIlkens.”
Dilkens will preside over what will be a daily spectacle. Other citizens will come and bring their extra bags of garbage and toss the contents at their fellow citizens just like it was done centuries ago in Europe. It will be magical, grand no less. Dilkens will get his way and impose his sense of law and disorder on unsuspecting citizens.
And the good news; citizens will flock to the Clark with their extra garbage and none of it will end up in empty lots or roadsides. A very well thought out plan for sure. All hail the chief.
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