Squad Leader Interview
By Robert Tuomi
(WINDSOR, ON) – What a disappointment the morning of May 12, 2012 happened to be for city hall watchers all over the rose city. They had anticipated and fully expected that the city’s chief sycophant and vanity writer, the Windsor Star’s Saturday columnist Gord Henderson, would finally publish his vanity piece on the leader of the Eddie Bad Forever Squad.
Sadly, there wasn’t even a Henderson column in the paper that day, causing some to suspect that the effort on the squad’s leader might be too hot to publish in this town. For weeks the watchers were gathering in cells across the city and devising the content of the column. Some of the devising was quite good and one of them, with an almost perfect memory save for the day he forgot his wedding anniversary and found out what the term sparks will fly meant, had served as a sort of go-between diplomat and had travelled among the cells to get the gist of what the column could contain.
The Windsor Square was able to get a rough draft though its own means which cannot be revealed, for obvious reasons, but which are most likely similar probably to the reasons the CBC won’t reveal which of its journalists were whined and dined by forgiveness whiner disgraced councilor Al Maghnieh. Here is what they, the watchers, think the column would have looked like.
Readers are cautioned that this is speculation dreamed up by the creative minds of the watchers and that no thoughts of Henderson were killed in the making of this act of fiction plus that any resemblance to real events is only correct 19 times out of 20.
It is the watchers belief, and who can blame them, that Henderson would probably start the column off with a scene setter and take it from there. Here is their prediction.
The squad leader was looking loaded for bear decked to the nines in a nice plaid smoking jacket. To be frank, I was gob smacked right there in the Mceatery that had been selected for our clandestine lunch meeting. To me it was not all that clandestine. I mean the Mcplace is public. But, to keep confidentiality the leader’s head was covered with a paper bag.
It was not too distant from being reminiscent of the unknown comedian.
But, make no mistake, this person is no comedian. I didn’t even know if I was sitting in front of a guy or girl. The smoking jacket gave no clues, it was one of those bi-sexual ones. But accept that this man or woman is at ground zero in the effort to bring shame on our beloved mayor of Windsor, Eddie Francis.
Inexplicably, he or she is not ashamed of what the squad is doing to a best-of-breed leader who most people think is punching well above his weight. This unproven fact alone must be one hell of a downer to the squad and is probably the reason its genderless leader must hide from the public.
Right of the top, I detected that the squad leader is deep into statistics because I kept hearing that Eddie’s last election win was almost a statistical tie. How could a win by a super star like Eddie of a few percentage points be a statistical tie. You could blow me over with a feather. I was not impressed with this person’s mathematical ability knowing that the results of the election provided the proof that the majority had voted for our city’s shining star mayor.
The squad leader pointed out that anything over 50% would legally be a majority. My doubt about this was palatable causing me to sense that my dining partner was using unjustifiable figures to suggest that Eddie is doomed and could not win again even if he ran for dog catcher.
Next I was grieved by a blistering assault on what the mayor hasn’t done. A bag full of stuff was dropped on the table. It was laughable. It was stuff that is really not important to anyone in this city aside from, maybe, those 26,000 who have lost their jobs the ones who, without pay cheques, are doing little to support our economy.
Certainly these items were not particularly important to us who are blinded by the bright light of rock star Eddie. The usual suspects were in this bag of tricks like our deteriorating roads, the old Grace hospital site, the west end. Plans that have failed to materialize like the rails to trails or air Francis. All the mystery trips with no results. Even the fact L. Brooks Patterson brought 23,000 jobs to Oakland County last year versus Eddie’s, well none, was thrown on the table and cluttering up the space reserved for our Big Macs.
Sure, I had heard all of these so-called complaints before. No reasonable person would consider any of them of value. It is all balderdash tossed on top of poppycock. It is the three bags of garbage that Eddie’s detractors incessantly put out for collection whenever they foist a claim on the unsuspecting city that we have ended up with a high taxed, debt-ridden, uncompetitive municipality that is sliding further down the fiscal drain as our industries, like Silkin, ungraciously depart.
It was too much for me. So too was watching the squad leader try to stick a straw in the paper bag so a milkshake could be enjoyed.
I had heard enough. It seems I was correct in assuming that this squad was formed simply because of unsubstantiated gob that is floating around the city about our bigger than headlines mayor. Sure we are in a jobs crisis and he is doing nothing about it and he is putting money at risk with white elephants appearing all over and all the while he makes promises and promises. But, at least he is doing something. He is making promises.
I don’t care what this squad leader pretends, we have the best mayor around and we are paying for it, he is the second highest paid in the province. Lord help the poor voters who make the mistake and try to take him away from those of us who love promises much better than results.
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