A Look Ahead

By Robert Tuomi

(WINDSOR, ON) – Some things are coming up quickly just like the rutabagas in many a backyard garden for those in Windsor. Because of this the denizens of the city need to keep an eye on these in anticipation that they might be important.

First off, word on the street is that a new tax surcharge is coming and who can blame the city. With the new senior citizen chain gangs, oops volunteer parties, being formed the city will have to have someone pay for the chains and the nice prisoner, whoops, fashionable shades of grey striped outfits that the seniors must wear, probably for insurance liability purposes, once they commence doing the city’s work which will include cutting the grass in city parks and property and possibly providing free couples massages for the inwards on city council that will be executed in the inward’s windowless chamber.

Inward Percy Hatfield has already been heard speculating that the so-called volunteer gangs will give the city extensive bragging rights. It can be expected that he will make special trips to AMO and to see Elmo to get the word out.

Certainly this idea of forced, oops, volunteer citizen involvement will put the city on some map somewhere, possibly one in the mayor’s office. The city could win an Oscar, or similar, for finding a good thing to do with its surplus non-working freeloading pension spending citizens and will free up money, once all CUPE employees are laid off, for the city to build more white elephants.

Senior citizens should watch their mailboxes for a request from the city demanding, as only the city can, their clothing sizes. The notice will probably, it is believed, contain information on what the city will do to any senior who does not comply. The punishment could be harsh, although in reality, what could be harsher than forcing seniors out into the hot sun to work, with no refreshing water supplied, in chain gangs. Possibly the dissenters will be put in a hole somewhere and disgraced inward Al Maghnieh will be thrown into it to give them a lecture on integrity and how they should do what they are told.

All citizens should look for an order to be issued from the police department’s new chief, most likely ineffective councilor Drew Dilkens, instructing all citizens in the former automotive capital of Canada that they will have to learn to speak French, immediately, and they better be good at it too.

The order will clearly provide the ramifications that will face those who decide otherwise and continue to speak English amongst themselves. Sadly, given the Square’s editorial policy such draconian language can’t be reproduced here.

Exceptions might be made for those who speak Korean. Although the city will soon become a magnet for Korean tourists, this order will be important once the Mayor starts building his marina and replication of the French Riviera on the shores of the Detroit River. Also taxpayers should look to pay for the lessons out of their own pockets.

The dual heads of the regional tourism outfit, a Gord Orr and the Essex County Warden’s daughter-in-law will both appear on Cogeco TV’s Face-to-Face program simultaneously. Although Orr will start by delighting the host with his old movie reviews he will quickly change topic and babble on about how cosmopolitan the city will become once the Riviera is complete and that people will be flocking to the city from all around the world just to visit and take in all the tourist activities and amenities.

Orr will probably predict that many of the visitors will be whisked away in limos out to the work camps in the city so that they can observe the senior citizen chain gangs, oops, volunteers, at work beautifying city property and how the police will make sure they do a good job.

Watch too for a major war to break out between the mayors of Windsor and Tecumseh. Windsor mayor Edgar Francis is dumbfounded these days after being gobsmacked by Tecumseh mayor Gary McNamara. While Francis has been running around the world looking for new plants to create jobs in the city and failing miserably he has also been heard bragging that he is singlehandedly diversifying the economy of Windsor which he is not.

McNamara, to show how it should be done, went out and quietly started the diversification process by luring Norman Noble to his town. The company is a leading member of the med-tech community and makes micro medical devices and implants.

Citizens are cautioned to expect that the neophytes on the Windsor Essex Economic Development outfit will challenge McNamara and say they brought the company to town. Sure they did. Francis himself will claim that he should get all the glory because he has five economic development files all 80% complete which he lists as one of his lifetime achievements.

A shouting match will ensure between Ron Gaudet, the head abecedarian, and mayors Francis and McNamara. But all will end well with Francis handing out free admission passes to the pair allowing them exclusive entry to his French Riviera on the Detroit which some will call the world’s new exclusive Disneyland. He will make sure that they both know that no regular folk will be allowed into his playground for the rich and famous unless it is to serve the visitors and ply good old fashioned Windsor hospitality.

Is it not wondrous or what to live in the rose city with all this going down?

For more of the Rest of the News listen to CJAM 99.1 Monday evenings at 8:30.

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